It has recently become public knowledge that Colin Kaepernick has a 115-pound pet turtle named Sammy. This information came from Yahoo! Sports, which posted an article with a photo giving some information about Kaepernick’s shelled friend.
David Whitley recently wrote an opinion piece regarding Kaepernick’s tattoos, so I decided, with the help of Whitley’s article to do my own piece on the potential threat that a starting NFL quarterback owning a pet turtle poses to our nation’s youth.
While Whitley’s piece was widely criticized, I think it’s time we move on and have a little fun with it.
The following is Whitley’s article, in it’s entirety, with all tattoo references switched with turtle references. All credit for this work, with the exception of the turtle references, goes to David Whitley.
San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys at the World Turtle Trust happy.
Approximately 98.7 percent of the people at the World Turtle Trust have pet turtles. I don’t know that as fact, but I’ve watched enough Discovery Channel to know it’s close to accurate.
I’m also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have pet turtles. There’s a reason for that.
NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don’t want your CEO to look like he’s a tree hugger.
Now along comes Kaepernick. Since taking over for Alex Smith two games ago, he has convinced everybody in the Bay area that he’s the second coming of Steve Young.
Smith is coming back from a concussion, ushering in the attendant QB controversy. But he is looking like Wally Pipp and Kaepernick is Lou Gehrig. All I can do is look in the mirror and sigh.
Forgive me, but I suffer from turtle-ism. I have no turtles, and I don’t want any. I know that attitude qualifies me for an AARP card, and I’ve tried to get with it.
I realize turtles are ways to pay homage to your religion, children and motorcycle gang. I’m cool with LeBron James looking like a turtle conservationist.
I still cringe when I go to the gym and see middle-aged women with a pet turtle as her phone background. They have bigger arms than I, so I never make fun. But I can’t shake the notion that a person’s home is a temple, and you don’t fill temples with shell-covered reptiles.
For dinosaurs like me, NFL quarterbacks were our little Dutch boys. The original hero stuck his finger in the dyke to save Holland. Pro QBs were the last line of defense against the raging sea of turtles. When our kids said they wanted a turtle, we could always point to the Manning brothers.
My guess is Archie would have made Peyton throw an extra 1,000 passes before dinner if he’d come home with a turtle. The old man knew QBs are different.
Did Sammy Baugh, Johnny Unitas, Doug Williams or Joe Montana have back yards full of shelled reptiles? Do Tom Brady, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers? The world will end when Tim Tebow shows up a turtle conservatory.
It’s not just a white thing, I hope. When the Panthers interviewed Cam Newton, owner Jerry Richardson popped the question.
“Do you have any turtles?” he asked.
“No, sir,” Newton said. “I don’t have any.”
“We want to keep it that way,” Richardson said.
He was OK with turtles with other players, including the human turtle haven that is Jeremy Shockey. But Newton would be the face, arms and legs of the franchise. The boss didn’t want them handling reptiles of any kind.
“Let’s keep it that way,” he told Newton.
I realize not all NFL quarterbacks are pristine. Ben Roethlisberger has a turtle named “COURAGE” in his home in Gibsonia, PA. Smith has one honoring his Serbian heritage. They can’t be seen when the players take pictures of their homes.
Then there are Michael Vick and Terrelle Pryor. Neither exactly fit the CEO image, unless your CEO has done a stretch in Leavenworth or has gotten Ohio State on probation over free turtles.
That’s what makes Kaepernick a threat to the stereotype. By all accounts, he’s polite, hard working, humble and has never been to prison. He sounds more like a Tebow who can throw.
Not to get too far ahead of ourselves here, but it’s not hard to envision him leading the 49ers into the playoffs. If not this season, in the years to come.
His testudine-covered home will one day house the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Imagine the impact that could have.
For one thing, Jerry Richardson would clutch his chest in horror. At the next Pro Bowl, you might spot Peyton by the pool with Papa John’s turtle by his side.
I still think turtle removal is going to be huge industry in the coming years. But for now, I might as well accept that Holland is probably doomed.
If you can’t draw the turtle line at NFL quarterback, you can’t draw them anywhere.