I know you haven’t heard anything from me since the scandal broke less than a year ago, but I felt that I owed my constituents a real explanation. Like every politician, I pretended to be ashamed of my actions and apologized to anyone and everyone I offended or disappointed. But that cannot be further from the truth.
Don’t get me wrong, when I was caught I was truly ashamed but I was not so ashamed for my actions, I was ashamed for being caught. I am a grown man living in an era surround by sex symbols that are well into their 40’s (Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Halle Berry). Where I am standing, 40 is not the new 30, but it’s the new 20 and 50 is the new 30. Age really is only a number these days. Seriously, how many of you would send a picture of your penis to a woman asking for it? How many of you would make a sex tape with a random hot broad that totally worships the ground you walk on? Don’t lie men, we all know the truth. That is why everyone held their breathe during the Clinton scandal, because getting a hummer at work from your secretary is as American as baseball and racism. But here I stand, hung by the jury and scathed by the judge. The only person I have to answer to is my wife, who knew what she was getting into when she married me in the first place. For god sakes she works with Hilary Clinton (can’t make this up) so you know she’s not leaving me over something like this. I am a man living in an era where men pay for fake hair in one place and pay to have real hair removed from other places. We live in an era where tattoos are seen as sexy, where fake tans make white women the color of award trophies and where the media makes a gorgeous 18 year old Lindsay Lohan feel ugly and fall into a life of starvation, coke, and female DJ’s. Yet you judge me, America. Why? Because I am a public official? You understand that we (politicians) take money from the likes of Exxon, Wal-Mart, McDonalds, Tobacco and the NRA. Two of these entities are illegal for a minors, another included pink slime in their product, while the other two employ prisoners and children in China. My soul is in my bank account bitch. And I was one of the good ones. So before you judge me look into the mirror, look outside, look at what’s on television and realize that I am only a product of my environment..
Sincerely, Mr. Wiener
DJ Ape- Mondays 7-9 pm @ kssu.com