Vigilante 101


So, I watch too much television. This year, I’ve been watching a lot of Daredevil, The Flash, and Arrow. Also, I’ve recently started watching Gotham. More accurately, I’ve recently become obsessed with Gotham.

What struck me as odd about these shows is that literally anyone can become a vigilante. Literally anyone. So, welcome to your training, young grasshopper.

 

ColeSuperheroStep 1: Become an orphan. (KSSU Management Disclaimer: Don’t do this if you can help it.)

I mean it worked for Bruce Wayne and that one dude that become Spiderman. It technically also worked for Superman.

 

Step 2: Be rich. (KSSU Management Disclaimer: Do this if you can.)

I guess you can just build wealth, but vigilantes rarely worry about their finances because they’re too busy fighting crime, killing villains, seducing female reporters, and whatever it is that they do instead of holding a day job. It’s better if you start rich so that you don’t have too much on your plate because the only thing that should be on your plate is saving your city (whether it’s Gotham, Starling City, Central City, or whatever awful town you’re amazed that people still inhabit).

 

Step 3: Live in a place where a lot of crime happens and where the police are absolutely useless. (KSSU Management Disclaimer: Again don’t do this if you can help it.)

How are you supposed to fight crime if there is no crime? How are you supposed to fight crime if there are people already doing a good job at it? Don’t worry if you live in a safe neighborhood. Just pack your things and move to the worse neighborhood ever.

 

 

Step 4: Infiltrate the police department. (KSSU Management Disclaimer: we do not endorse this.)

This is how you find the crimes faster.

 

 

Step 5: Wear a mask and stop telling people your real name.

Seems obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many vigilantes mess this up. Seriously, how is Oliver Queen still the Green Arrow?!

 

Step 6: Choose a reason for fighting and stick to it, otherwise you’re just doing random things for no apparent reason and everyone will hate you.

I’m not trying to give spoilers, but Oliver Queen is literally the worst.

 

Step 7: Have awesome transportation.

Batman had the Batmobile, Green Arrow has his motorcycle, and The Flash can run really fast. No one is afraid of the vigilante that takes the bus.

 

Step 8: Have a working knowledge of how explosives work.

You may have to disarm a bomb at some point. You may have to build one. For how to build one, see “Vigilante 103: Advanced Villain Techniques and Weaponry” or Google search it. Wait… Don’t Google that.

 

 Step 9: Learn to fight.

It was disputed that this should be higher on this list, but I do what I want. You should learn to fight from some mysterious old man. Just choose any old man. He definitely knows how to fight.

 

Step 10: Spend a great deal of your time taunting villains.

They absolutely love that. You can make fun of them with cheesy one-liners at their expense. Also, foil all of their plans. If they’re trying to rob a bank, foil that. If they’re just walking around the city and looking all villainous and stuff, foil that. If they’re trying to go grocery shopping, foil that. You need them in your life or your vigilante life has no purpose.

 

Extra Credit: Additional Steps for How to Be a Vigilante.

I consulted other experts in the field and they suggested these additional steps for if you want to be an even better vigilante.

Step 11: More guns.

Step 12: Blind yourself. It worked for Daredevil. (KSSU Management Disclaimer: don’t.)

Step 13: Adopt a city, town, district, or planet and then wreck it trying to save it. (KSSU Management Disclaimer: really don’t.)

Step 14: Develop a voice that sounds like you’ve been smoking for 500 years to disguise your true identity.

Step 15: Brood. Brood a lot. Have a lot of personal drama and conflicted feelings. Never smile unless it’s clearly pained. This isn’t the 1950’s; you shouldn’t be happy about having super powers, cool gadgets, or an exciting life.

Step 16: “Be vigilant.”

 

Memorize these lessons because they may be on the final. I hope you are able pass my class and all of your other classes this semester. Don’t get caught. Remember, your sensei is watching. I’m like Santa that way.

When Gianna isn’t writing a guide to becoming a Vigilante she’s a DJ on KSSU

KSSU management does not endorse vigilantism in any way shape or form. Anyone who chooses to follow this advice does so to their own peril.

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