If Cryptids Could Chill: Mothman

Hey friends! Long time, no see, I know. This semester has by far been the longest and craziest one yet, and I hope you are all hanging in there! As Study Week comes to a close and Finals Week approaches, I wanted to give you all a couple of reminders:

  • You are incredible! Amazing! Worthy of love and positivity and all good things. I know that it gets more and more stressful during crunch time, but no matter what happens, you did your very best this semester! And I am so, so proud of you for that.
  • Take care of yourself. Yes, you probably have seven final exams, 12 research papers, nine presentations, 20 hours of work, and a partridge in a pear tree to worry about next week. But don’t forget the essentials!
    • Remember to get a healthy amount of sleep. If you’re cramming all night for tests and not getting enough rest, that can prove to be detrimental to both you and your test scores.
    • Eat healthy, well-balanced meals and snacks while you study and before you take your tests; it’s hard to get an A when your stomach is empty! ASI’s last Pop Up Pantry of the semester takes place on Monday, December 10, 10:30am to 1:30pm in front of the WELL if you are in need of some fresh produce.
    • Stay hydrated! There are water bottle-filling stations all over campus, usually next to water fountains. It might be tempting to stock up on iced coffee so you can stay up late and study, and that’s okay! But make sure you have 1-2 times the amount of coffee or tea you’re drinking to balance it all out.

Have any other words of advice for your fellow students? Comment below! And in the meantime, I’ll introduce you to my friend…


More commonly known as: Mothman… He’s not really one for nicknames
Potential Twitter handle: @LoveMeSomeLamp (assuming he has a Twitter account; he probably doesn’t tweet and only really uses it to find funny memes)
Instagram aesthetic: All photos in black and white. Mostly pretty landscapes and rivers, a couple of bird’s (moth’s?) eye-view photos of cities like Chicago and Point Pleasant. Not very many selfies—he’s too edgy for that.

Mothman is a lone wolf. You know the guy you went to school with for about a decade but didn’t hear his actual voice until graduation? That’s him. He was most likely seen smoking cigarettes under the bleachers. He is all about solitude—and do NOT confuse that for loneliness. Mothman loves his alone time, and he will make it clear when you are intruding upon that. It is almost impossible to carry a conversation with him, unless you’re open to being stared at blankly after asking him a question.

I guess the real way to get through to him is to ask the right question. It’s hard to say whether or not he’s a mean guy, because trying to get any type of response out of him is like pulling teeth. You have to wonder if he gets a kick out of making people uncomfortable. I think he does, and that he owns a blog somewhere on the internet where he keeps record of all the awkward encounters. This would make him an actual master of human interaction. He only has to talk to you if he wants to, which is a great sum of power.

Mothman was very big on the ’90s grunge scene, as well as early 2000s alternative rock. His favorite genre overall is rock, and although he might seem like sort of a music elitist, he can listen to any band or group. In fact, he used to play bass for a band. His bandmates never heard him talk, but they loved hearing him play.

Mothman exclusively wears dark band tees and leather jackets. He also wears a chain on his pants that are linked to his wallet. He’s got about ten pairs of black Converse and maybe one pair of checkered slip-on VANS. He won’t call you out for not being able to name fifty Nirvana albums if he catches you wearing a t-shirt—that would be a terrible waste of breath, especially for him.

What do you think Mothman is like? Who would you like to learn more about next semester?

Thanks for reading, and remember: you’re incredibly important, one-of-a-kind, and I love you!

Editor’s Note: This article is left over from last semester, hence the opening line. Nevertheless, this does not take away from its quality.

The Elderly Couple, or Why I No Longer Take Relationship Advice

old couple

I stumbled half-alive into the kitchen at one in the morning today, after a very stressful shift at my retail job (the ONE year I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day I have to work…don’t you wish you could be so lucky?) As I was setting my wallet and phone on the dining table, my eyes wandered over to the previous day’s newspaper. The front cover of the local news section was taken up entirely by a picture of a very old couple, with a headline that said, “VALENTINES FOR LIFE” in the most in-your-face way imaginable for a newspaper. Scrolling down the page, a very old black-and-white photograph of two toddlers sported the caption, “They share all their childhood memories–and he carries the picture to prove it.”

I know every year the media likes to remind us of what true love is, or whatever their twisted, warped idea of it may be. But 50 years from now, will my closest friends be married to the same people? Will I be married to the same man? How many of us will even actually get to the point where they like it enough to put a ring on it? Is that even a realistic hope anymore: a meaningful marriage that lasts for the rest of your life?

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